You may ask why this is necessary since you are mediating your divorce in part to “avoid divorce lawyers”. Won’t hiring separate attorneys defeat the goal of mediation to save costly attorney fees? Isn’t a qualified mediator, who is being paid for “knowing his or her stuff” all the professional advice you need?

        Even though mediation is about cooperating to work out financial and parenting issues, each spouse has individual concerns, and legal rights and responsibilities. Mediators are neutral parties and do not give legal advice to either spouse, even though the mediator may be a trained and/or licensed as an attorney. The settlement decisions you make as a part of your divorce should be based on “informed consent”. Working with your own attorney helps to protect you and achieve your mediation goals by:

        ● Understanding the law and identifying legal issues that may apply to you;
        ● Having a private place to discuss your concerns and weigh your options;
        ● Getting support from a legal professional who is “in your corner”;
        ● Diagnosing how much information is reasonably necessary for you to make your settlement decisions;
        ● Getting practical feedback on your ideas for settlement and creative suggestions about difficult issues;
       ● Having the knowledge that an attorney has helped to protect your legal interests by reviewing the final legal settlement agreement before you sign it.

        Despite what many people believe, mediation is not only for “friendly” spouses. Couples less prone to uncontrolled conflict are particularly suited for mediation. Couples separated long enough to have survived their “emotional divorce” are usually better able to mediate in a constructive and calmer environment. While some couples who elect to use nonadversarial approaches can act civilly, most people going through divorce are experiencing extreme emotional distress. However angry, fighting, grieving and otherwise emotional people can still share the goals of avoiding the adversarial process and protecting their children from parental conflict and emotional damage from the divorce.

So, you can be consistently “unfriendly” throughout the process and yet avoid adversarial approaches. The more grounded you are with private legal information and advice, the less likely that you will question your settlement decisions later no matter where you and your spouse are on the “friendliness – high conflict” continuum.

          Consider your work with an attorney as your investment in feeling confident about some of the most important decisions you will make in your life.

“He is furious that she introduced the kids to her boyfriend and he is digging in his heels.”

These are a few of the phone calls I have received from attorneys. If a Divorce Coach (specifically a skilled mental health professional, trained in mediation, couples counseling and collaborative practice) had been involved in these cases from the beginning, most likely none of the above situations would have occurred and I never would have received the calls. Here’s why:

• A COLLABORATIVE TONE: Many clients expect a battle. They frequently believe they will not be heard or understood. The Divorce Coach provides pathways to communication beyond resentment, sadness or anger. Individuals and couples are guided in ways that help them work collaboratively with their attorneys and with each other.
• CREATING A SAFE ENVIRONMENT: Divorcing clients deserve both reassurance and comfort. Because the office of a Divorce Coach is not primarily connected with the legal process, it is a comfortable location for a couple or individual to explore the process at its beginnings.
• INSIGHT: An experienced Divorce Coach quickly comprehends emotional and behavioral issues and dynamics. Communicating these to attorneys, with permission from clients, helps everyone both humanly and strategically develop a successful divorce process.
• COMMUNICATION SKILLS: When discussions move into uncomfortable territory, a Divorce Coach has the skills and experience to assist clients in using communication tools that will help them move forward. The Divorce Coach can assist either a couple or an individual client.
• CHILDREN: It is essential that a Divorce Coach be knowledgeable about gender patterns and child development. Although stemming from love and care, some parents’ ideas about shared time with their children may not be beneficial at certain ages. The seasoned Divorce Coach will share developmental information with clients and attorneys so that the children’s best interests are understood by all.
• PARENTING FIRST: It is both wise and pragmatic to work on a parenting plan early on, using a Divorce Coach to assist in its development. Cooperative planning is easier for a divorcing couple when an initial focus is on what benefits their children. With experience in couple communication and family dynamics, a qualified Divorce Coach can help them do this, with attention to even the thorniest of subjects. Once accomplished, guidelines for cooperation are created for on-going work with attorneys.

My own experience has been one of successfully helping couples and individuals transcend the emotional difficulties of divorce. Together, we have successfully created specific parenting arrangements that don’t require additional attention as time goes on. Together we have found new roads to communication. The process of coordination with attorneys and the end results have been satisfying to all.

My MAIN MESSAGE here is this: Don’t wait to make a phone call like one of those above before you engage someone like me in the process! By then, it can be too late to perform a rescue operation.  Whether you are an attorney or a potential client reading this article, include a Divorce Coach as an integral part of your divorce team at its beginning.

Linda Keller has collaborated with attorneys throughout Connecticut on both mediated and litigated divorces.  She is an accomplished divorce coach, parenting coordinator, and therapist to couples, individuals, children and teens.  You can call her at (203) 222-0250.